I'm waiting for a few things: for some contracts to be drawn up, for our poster to be completed, for the branding of our new production company, Morning Dove Films, and more. Most of these things are out of my control (uncomfortable) so I've been forced to sit. And think. (And look for a new day job.)
I recently read this killer book, Dying to Be Me. Now, I'm a super fan of New Age books and "paranormal" stuff (love that classification by B&N), so I'm already inclined to love this woman's story. But how it went beyond the normal “I-died-saw-God-and-came-back” book was the wisdom that the writer took the time to learn and share. She didn't publish this book until five years after her near death experience. It took her five years to absorb what happened, adjust to being alive again, learn from the experience, and be willing to interpret it for millions of people. See, she knew that being on the New York Times Best Seller List was in her future (she was all-knowing for about an hour, after all), so she knew she needed to be ready for that kind of attention.
The part I found inspiring – and relevant to this filmmaking process – is when she talked about the Universe giving you exactly what you're ready for exactly when you're ready for it. I completely understood and felt a weight lifted when I read that. Do I know that someday I'll be making films back to back and be a household name? Absolutely. I was born knowing it. Am I ready for that to happen immediately? Probably not, truth be told. It's become an enormous shift to go from being able to walk out of your apartment in bunny slippers and dirty hair to get a tub of hummus and not have anyone give a shit (a weekly occurrence with me), to realizing you need to slap on some lipstick, a pair of shades to hide the lack of eye makeup, a hoodie to "blend", and a pair of stilettos for the paparazzi before you reach for that hummus tub...and better make it a small tub if you don't want to be on the cover of US Weekly with a pic of your cellulite that every single person has but somehow is not allowed on movie stars because what, their skin is made of plastic? I don't know.
Anyway, there's just a lot of details. And I get that. And right now I'm comfortable presenting my film for say, a hundred people and speaking about it afterwards. And when I'm ready to speak to a crowd of two hundred, that crowd will present itself. And that's the perfect beauty of the Universe. And I love that. I trust in that.
As an actor, I've met a lot of people who wanted to blame me for not being an "overnight success." In fact, most actors get blamed for this from every corner: expensive classes that want to convince you that you're not Brad Pitt because you're not marketing yourself right and, wouldn't you know it, this class for $1,000 can teach you how to do that. (Fill in the necessary blanks for a variety of con artists trying to "teach" bullshit skills.) In my case, it was several acting teachers I had early on that would always tell me, "there's no reason you couldn't be the lead in Titanic!" – as if it were my fault. (Turns out there were several reasons, the first being that I was a 15-year-old boarding school nerd while that was filmed.) Meanwhile, I had just started, hadn't even begun to learn a technique, and could barely slate my name believably.
If overwhelming success had come to me at that age, or any age before I was ready for it, I can guarantee you, I would be sharing a cell with Lindsay Lohan. And there would undoubtedly be a picture on the cover of US Weekly, but instead of a tub of hummus and cellulite, it would be my drug overdose meltdown.
So I am sitting here now, taking it all in, and preparing for the next step – whatever that is. And I am trusting that it will grow organically from my own development. And that's really all you can do in this crazy world, isn't it?